Getting it out of my system

People ask me a lot "how do you do it all" and I feel like I should write them a book explaining to them step by step how to be an over achiever. It's a life I wouldn't wish upon anyone else. My maturity, responsibility, and bank account come at an expense that some people would call having a life. There isn't a moment of my college life, or even high school life, that I haven't been plagued by worries of bills, deadlines, or my 5-year plan. As everyone heads out the door on Friday night all I can think about is penciling in some sleep that I surely missed the week before. And while my sorority sisters watch television for eight hours I squeeze 20 credits worth of homework into the same time. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I would choose any other way to live. This is the closest to fulfillment that I may ever approach.

I do, however, sometimes wonder why I have to be like this. Why do I want to work full time and go to school full time if I don't have to? Why do I have to drive a brand new car and decorate my arm with Fendi and my feet with Jimmy Choo? Well I think those last few things make up for my lack of a college social life. I complain that it is impossible to meet men without realizing that yes, spending 40 hours a week in a cubicle, some more rushing to and from class, and the remainder sleeping would provide quite limited opportunities for social interaction. I don't know if I am trying to say that I am unhappy, I don't know if I'm neurotic.

At my most desperate moments I remind myself that what I am doing now is in preparation of my life to come. But that doesn't make it any easier to live moment to moment, wishing it would just be done with. I don't know why I am in such a rush to grow up, not that I can turn back now. Actually, that's a lie. I know the answer...it just makes me cringe to admit it even here. It makes me feel weak and stupid that I am in constant search for the approval of my father. Nothing is impressive enough or perfect enough. I am smart enough to know that I have nothing to prove and that I owe nothing to him but sometimes, like now, it's hard to remember that. It's ridiculous.