Untitled

I am one of those unsent letter writers except I don't really write the letters, I just think of them in my head and it sometimes makes me feel half better. Writing them would mean that when I'm having an impulsive moment I'd fold it up, stick it in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and send it on its merry little way. Then I'd have second and third and fourth thoughts and contemplate chasing down the mail truck, none of which would be good. Last night I was going to write a letter to my best girl friend from high school. I haven't spoken to her in at least a year. We had some sort of gigantic fight over something I don't even remember.

Most of the time I don't care. I remind myself that she was neurotic and boring and some other bad things but last night as I was driving, little happy memories started creeping into my consciousness. And as my tires tread more and more miles, I had a whole sloppy, sappy, apology type letter all formulated in my head ready to be committed to paper. When I got home I excavated my computer out from beneath piles of books, papers and clothes and went to push the power button but couldn't. In mere instants all of the niceness evaporated or disintegrated (not sure which).

Then I began to wonder why in the world I felt sorry now, especially since I didn't know what it was I was sorry for. I'm thinking that the nostalgia was a side effect from having dinner with my ex-boyfriend last week. We dated for what seemed like forever and even though it had only been four months since we'd seen each other last, the night was filled with awkward pauses, stupid questions, and general discomfort. All of which are strange for me. I'm not really sure what I expected to feel. For someone I thought I was madly in love with and wholly committed to a year ago, I felt disjointed like I had never known him.

I'm not certain if this is evidence for the obvious, I've grown up a lot and I've changed a lot for better or worse. My old life involved a real dependence on my boyfriend and my best friend and losing them both did its number on me, even though I didn't even realize it until now. I've made more mistakes in the previous months then I ever have in my whole life. I've done a lot of stupid things and made some truly terrible decisions, I've found the bottom and now I'm doing my best to move towards the top. Somehow, my optimism still lingers.