Eternal sunshine of my spot filled mind

Even after my sweaters were meticulously rearranged on my shelves, first by fabric type and then by color, something about this house felt oddly unfamiliar. I ran through a sort of mental check list and everything seemed to be in place. The ever present dripping noise still echoed in the corner of my room by the bed, the basement still smelt like the million different perfumes of girls who had gathered there since 1951. The same people slipped in and out but it seemed to me all in slow motion. Or was it that I was moving slow and they were speeding past. I felt alone, I feel alone in a house that thirty-three other girls call home. For the first time ever and perhaps at the most odd time I could imagine, I felt home sick. I suppose to be fair, it isn't the debilitating I'm gonna cry and hide in my room for a really long time kind of home sickness. Something just feels empty. It's just that this place is so plainly temporary and I am just so uncomfortable with that. What is most strange is that I have lived in at least ten different houses during my life and had no trouble calling them home. But admitting to that fact makes me realize my dependency on my family, as painful as our relationship can seem to be at times it is oddly comforting and perhaps the only dynamic that can be relied on, the one that never changes.

I am desperately in need of some sort of stability but I guess it is this whole in between stage that makes people who they are and I can't be stable until I am okay with who I am. My only savior today was class. Usually and ironically my life as a student is so tertiary to the other parts of my life. But this time I think I am going to have to do it differently. I am in love with the idea of new beginnings and almost always possess a sort of naive optimism about the future. In certain ways this keeps me sane in others it prevents me from being grounded. I wouldn't consider myself overly unrealistic, I can deal with my fair share of enivitables and failures and even impossible circumstances but a girl has to have hope.