I sometimes wish my brain would be quiet

I will be spending the weekend in my favorite midwestern state of all, Nebraska, at a leadership conference. Why Nebraska? I haven't any clue at all really but it's free and I love airplanes and hotels and all things associated with travel (yes, even if they are in the middle of a corn field). Most weird of all, I will be spending my birthday (the 23rd of January) only two blocks away from the hospital I was born at. And this oddly got me thinking about destiny and free will and some other philosophical principles that I really shouldn't think about. Since I was raised Catholic my ideas of free will and destiny are closely tied to matters of faith and this is sometimes why I find myself in turmoil when I realize first that I am not at all religious and second I have more faith in the theories of science than I do in the Bible. This makes me uneasy for about a thousand reasons the biggest of which is feel as if I should be devoted to some sort of something. Thing is, church has always made me uneasy. I am not very comfortable with the idea of someone telling me how to think, explaining to me how I should understand the words and ways of God. I feel like it is propaganda and an attempt to control my own free will and thought.

Does free will exist or are we merely players in someone elses game. No matter how irrelevant the question and its answer might be, it's an issue that's plagued me for as long as I could remember. It was the reoccuring theme in my 3rd grade poetry project, warranting a parent teacher conference about my sanity. It was certainly the reason why I joined the Philosophy club in 5th grade and its one of those things I still stay up all night thinking about. Being educated at a large, liberal arts university most of the classroom discussion generated over the beginning of life was geared towards evolution coming with the disclaimer that we could believe in creationism but it wasn't to be discussed in class and the correct answer on the test would always be evolution. And I guess I never really realized how narrow minded that approach was until I went home and was helping my younger sister with her science homework. My attempt to explain evolution was met by a passionate argumement for the conventions of creationism.

Fact by fact, from the merger of inorganic molecules which formed monomers and to the eventual spark to life by the heat of underwater vents to the missing link between primates and humans...she shot me down. Maybe it's far fetched, but I think both theories really are. And maybe it's not my destiny to figure it out, not that I am ready to admit the existence of destiny. Yes, things have a funny way of working out but what the heck do you expect. Life happens and I am nowhere near admitting that someone has a case file on me mapping out my life day by day. This is probably and most likely because I am a control freak and the mere idea of having none in any way shape or form freaks me out.