not because I feel so inclined, but because it is what he wants. To
hear those words and phrases, as empty as we both know them to be.
Somehow, I was never sold on the contrived notion of what this was all
supposed to be like. I have never wanted a fairytale and I don't need
one now. But still, people have ideas and time lines, expectations and
boundaries. And I do not.
Most mistake this as either disinterest or a coy attempt at avoidance.
Really, it is neither. The walls of confinement close quickly for me,
so the more unplanned and unspoken life can be, the greater I perceive
my potential for happiness to be. And yes, that is what this is all
about. Perception.
Our little minds develop such odd ways of looking at the people and
things around us. Suddenly, we find that the needs of others become
much more important than our own, that their comfort and satisfaction
determine our ultimate success. These are notions that I refuse to
give in to. I have no intention of dedicating my life to guaranteeing
the complacency of practical strangers at my very own expense.
But there is a problem. I am finding that the world sort of operates
in this way, regardless of my unwillingness to participate in its
uncomfortable social hierarchy. So I am here, wondering if I can live
my life as the outcast and the misfit and I do suppose I've made it
far enough and ended up reasonably happy.
I won't believe him when he tells me it has to be like this. I won't
compromise my own convictions just to seek out some meaningless
approval. I might in fact be okay with him but certainly not the
people and the circumstances he brings with him.
5 comments:
youre not crazy. airsigns need space. which doesnt mean that we will always need space nor that we are acting coy or emotionless.
stifled air becomes stale and seeks freedom.
that is why you naturally feel confined at times. that is why you appreciate the unplanned. the only reason you prefer the unspoken is because words can trap you and be used against you.
yes the world oftentimes works along the lines of "wednesday come over at 11pm and we'll get it on" and the world is disappointed if you dont show up on wednesday or at 11pm, but the world has a way of moving on.
likewise the natural inclination of airsigns to float everywhichway can suddenly change with the right person. its safe to say that with your last love you would have been at your appointed meetingplace at 10:59 if you knew it would please him.
which is why i would suggest sitting down with those who foolishly rush you in to ultimatums and remind them that some cats come when you call and some cats look at you like youre an idiot.
and then remind him that there are dogs if he wants something around who will always be there.
i never realized how much plans annoyed me until i drove around the country and was annoyed by the slightest promise that i had made to very good people and very good friends and my mother and the cubs and the bears and places i would otherwise die to be at at 10:59pm.
but the truth was i wanted to be no where. ever. always. and i regretted my promises, simple as they might be, and i quietly cursed those who suckered me into being somewhere at a particular day and time.
and i loved those who just happened to be there with no agenda and no knowledge of who i was, where i had been or where i was going.
it was with those people i wanted to be with forever.
and i put my fingers up their skirts as i kissed them
as a symbol of happiness.
I always thought settling for a fairy tale was like coping out on what I *could* do with my life. Its so ordinary and traditional.
Why would we need plans, time lines, or someone else to tell us what we're accomplishing. Plans are stifling, they box you in until you have no options but boringness and monotony. Let them misunderstand, if they can’t see that plans and time lines are the real avoidance of life and chance, they are losing out!
wow. you and tony both hit that one right on.
this hypnotheripist (sp?)came into my work the other day and wanted to fix all my problems so i picked one, my fear of spiders. he made me tell him how i felt or what i felt like, or some psychobabble way of using words to explain what i feel like when i think of spiders.
what i guess i came to realize is that they make me feel trapped. that's the feeling i feel when i see them or think of them.
so he went into this whole thing that ended up tying together with my never wanting to make plans with people because no matter how nice the thought is at the time i make the plan, come time to leave my house and do it i never want to.
he said it had something to do with me not wanting to disappoint people. that it (obviously, said sacrastically) had to do with my parents.
really i have no point to this because i think he was full of shit, except that he got me to realize the spider = trapped thing. but i..just...i hate having to do anything. it makes me all pissed off and agitated and angry at the silliest things because i had being expected to do things, even if ive put myself in the position for people to expect.
sorry. this was long.
dont ever give in though. youll only end up hurting people more, cuz eventually you'll always leave.
What an interesting and well written piece. Very confessional blog. I'll be back...
Without knowing really deeply to what your piece refers, I can relate to the emotions involved. I often wish I could live independent of outside approval, but I suppose I secretly desire it as much. We sometimes make personal concessions for others in the hopes that it advances our own happiness. How ironic.
You are all so right. So very insightful. You remind me that my way is just as important as their way. I don't have to give in, in fact I never should unless it is what I want.
Tony, you are so very right about the last loved one. I did things, stupid little things like baking cookies, that I never would have done for anyone else.
Amy, some people just seem unable to operate, or maybe just think they can't, without some prescribed plan and forget to live.
Foxxy, more and more I realize that it is the expectations of others that make me feel like there is no escape and I can only pretend to be okay with that for so long. Eventually I will leave because I always do.
Adrian, irony is the mystery of life. At least that is what I would say if I were a philospher.
Post a Comment