Sunday

It's amazing what a simple change of geography can do for a person. A
mere modification of latitude and longitude can alter the state of
mind. Suddenly there remains no reason to stay in bed. True, I've
traded rumbling trains for soaring planes, but it's better this way.

Some people find solitude defeating and restrictive. I find it to be
liberating but also dangerous. The minds movements when alone can be
deafening. Reasoning goes unchecked and I imagine isolation is what
leads to insanity. To some other degree the state of being alone is
cleansing. Freedom of thought and action, that's what America is about
anyway.

When I was younger the thing I wanted most was to have someone sleep
beside me and hold me tight because loneliness paired with darkness is
the most insurmountable of all states. But now there are nights when I
lay awake listening to the heavy breathing of a boy and wish for him
to disappear into the shifting shadows. That wish will come true so
very soon.

Despite that, I was hoping he would have called today and maybe it's
better that he didn't because like a sign arriving from the cosmic
energy of the universe a book was handed to me by a mailman and I
think it has saved me with its perfection.

When I was eleven I was desperately in love with a boy everyone called
J.R. His smile was brilliant and not because it was shining and
perfect and gleaming but because you could tell he would grow into a
man who would get what he wanted. He was the first boy I ever wanted
to be in my bed when the nights became long and lonely and I guess I
didn't understand why exactly I wanted him there but he would call me
late late late on school nights and I would tell him that. When we
rode the school bus together he would hold my hand under the cover of
our backpacks, lest anyone witness that he was associating himself
with a girl. I sometimes wonder what happened to him and mostly I
imagine him being a salesman of sorts who wears shiny Italian leather
shoes.

I've only said the words I love you to one boy and actually meant it.
And maybe that's a terrible thing but sometimes I doubt my sincerity
even in that one instance and that is only because I woke up one
morning and realized I loved him no longer and that I could not even
convince myself to consider how he might have felt when I told him
that. Since I discovered that love could be so fleeting I've been even
more cautious about convincing myself that I have the capacity to love
another. The funny thing is, I have no trouble accepting that someone
might love me and I say that in the least conceited way as possible.
What I mean is while I am not loving by default, I am trusting and I
trust that if you say those words to me that you mean them.

And perhaps I am still playing this game with this boy because I am
waiting for him to fall in love with me and that the only reason I am
allowing myself to fall in love with him is because I know he'll never
even get close and that seems safe enough. True love must be
reciprocated and if its not, there's no danger of breaking your soul
into pieces.

Growing up I was taught that dependency was something to be avoided
which is strange because my parent's are the most entirely
co-dependant people I have ever known and perhaps the slightly ironic
part is that their dependency is the bedrock of their marriage. Don't
rely on others, don't show affection, don't admit weakness, don't
speak too often, be skeptical, keep people guessing. They were dogma
meant not only to be memorized and recited but also to be lived by.
You might think my dad was some type of military man but really, he
just watched too many movies.

It's so hot that I can't even eat. Movement must be reserved for only
purely necessary things. I guess the mystery of this place is that for
nine months the weather is terrible and torturing and then all of the
sudden it is 90 degrees and impossible to believe that snow decorated
the ground weeks before. You spend all winter cursing this terrible
state, making plans to escape forever and before you can pack your
bags the sun shines, the grass turns green, the water sparkles and
voices come whispering from somewhere telling you that this is
paradise lost, then found.