I am out of my mind.

I wonder when it was I ruined it all for myself. Was it the time I cheated on him or him or him? Was it always that way? What exactly is it that makes me so afraid of feeling attached to someone else. Stupid question, I know the answer.

Kristin Davis, hey says, you look like her. Not your hair, but your face, especially tonight. And so the manipulation, the game really, begins. And I won that time because I didn't kiss back and for some reason I have to wonder why. I'm not so sure that I did it because I thought it might hurt the boy but because I knew it would hurt me. The friend and I are too much alike. We feed of one another's insecurities.

Running around pretending to defy conventional morality and social constructs can be fun, but in the end I am still lonely and frustrated with the emptiness that is always left over. Kissing even hundreds of boys would never come close to distracting me long enough.

I wonder if it is too late to salvage whatever is between this boy and I. I feel like he is slip slip slipping away and that he is just beginning to realize that I was never even there. It has been nearly five months and I don't even know what he wants. It is becoming increasingly difficult to accept that maybe this whole ordeal is just a distraction for both of us. I don't know if I am okay with that.