If he only knew how I really felt

I have never had problems sleeping until quite recently. Most of my life, I was an at-will sleeper, meaning that I could sleep upon command no matter the time, the place, or the level of relative "tiredness". I never had a sleep strategy besides crawl in bed and wake up the next day. Now, I have to make a conscious effort to allow the sub-conscious to do its thing. I am finding that I must subdue my thoughts, lest they try to commandeer a portion of the seven hours I commit to being free from them. It is approaching the point of ridiculousness. Here I am, in desperate need of sleep and when I am most tired, it will not come.

There is a thought that occurs time and time again that this would be easier only if a warm body were next to mine and I'm not so sure if I mean this is the physical sense or the psychological sense. I am utterly confused because I can recall a myriad of periods in my life where all I wanted to do was sleep in my bed alone. Maybe that had more to do with the people I was allowing to sleep in my bed than the fact that they were there, occupying precious square inches of my mattress. I think I've proved numerous times that I have little need for a permanent male presence in my life but I am beginning to think that my sleepless nights are a signal from my heart to my brain that I may want to reconsider my emotional unavailability.

Relationships are a lot of work and they require a certain amount of self-sacrifice. Those are circumstances which I usually consider to be unworthy of risk, but I now find myself second guessing that evaluation. I'm never even sure what it is I am afraid of, but I think I am afraid that I will find myself in a relationship where I feel safe enough to allow some vulnerability to escape. That entire notion spins off a myriad of reasons why it would be better to stay far away from potential male counterparts. I am fearful that I'll have no choice but to be myself, which is too permanent of a thing for me to be at ease with.

There were two people who I allowed to know me well enough to judge me and have it mean something, I pushed them both away so fast once I realized it. So long as I am pretending to be someone only I know I am not, I have the power to remedy any conflict or flaw. Once that breaks down, I am left only with the truth and I am afraid that nobody is going to like that. I can't hide that.

I wish I could take that chance, I wish he could take that chance because I think I'm ready to do it right this time.