I don't know a lot of things for certain so sometimes I just make pretend and about 75.43% of the time I am actually right. I wouldn't consider myself as smart as I am resourceful, more motivated than intelligent really. Not that any of those words are different since their end results are mostly the same despite what your linguistic teacher might argue. What I am for sure is introspective, meaning that I constantly search for answers that I am certain are hidden inside my brain. Sometimes they are. Most of the time I am wasting time looking for answers to things that not only aren't there but are also not very important. I suppose I could have more annoying habits.
I question my motivations very often. Like, am I political science major because I want to be or because I thought somewhere back there that it would make my dad happy. Am I bound for law school because I want to work 80 hours a week and drive a Mercedes or because I came to some twisted conclusion that it would make my dad stop hating me. Do I work 45 hours a week and go to school full time because it is fun or because maybe it'll stop my dad from telling me that I am stupid, ignorant, and bound for failure? So I know as well as you do that my father has a quite obvious (unhealthy) influence over even the most minute decisions I make. So it has to stop. Enough is enough. For twenty years I've done everything I could to please him and it just isn't worth it anymore. He can hold stupid things over my head as long as he wants to, I will humor him no longer. He'll have to find a new hobby because I will no longer allow him the pleasure of torturing me.
Today I will flat out tell my boss that I no longer want to live at the office. I will tell her that I'll be available Tuesdays and Thursdays and if that works, great. If not I'm prepared to walk door to door asking for a job from anyway who will give it to me. If it means earning 2/3 less at the mall, fine. Because, maybe school could be something enjoyable instead of something I have to squeeze between my lunch meeting at work and the year end budgetary report that was due two days ago. I don't remember what it is like to sleep in or to attend a social function that is not work related and with people my age. Instead of considering the hours I've put in at this office as wasted, I'll take away from it that look "I can do it if I have to" but since I don't have to do anything I'd rather cut down my shoe shopping expenditures as opposed to the time I have got to live life.
So what am I afraid of? Simply myself.
3 comments:
"dad from telling me that I am stupid, ignorant, and bound for failure?"
--He says that straight up?
"For twenty years I've done everything I could to please him and it just isn't worth it anymore. He can hold stupid things over my head as long as he wants to, I will humor him no longer."
--welcome to adulthood
Being a lawyer==codes, ass holes, worthless ass kissing, corrupt system, more codes, more ass kissing, logrolling, more codes, and acting. I was going to go. Then I got into some trouble and saw the court system in action itself--overtime my outlook changed after I saw the real interworkings of the web. I wanted to help make some sort of difference and saw the education system in shambles, so I decided to teach, get into the system and see maybe how we can change things. But thats just me. I would hate to think I went into that dungeon that is law practice without my heart in it. I could not imagine working full time and going to school, much less law school. I take my grades/education seriously.
Yea, he's said things along those lines since I was five. I'm not sure to hate him for it or thank him for making me a stronger person.
By the way, I think I failed to mention you have gorgeous eyes. I tried blue contacts once but they had little effect on my eyes, which are utterly committed to a shade not far from black. I am definitely envious.
I wouldnt advise hating anyone but I can tell you that I feel where you are coming from; learning that you must make independent decisions from your parents--no matter how they try to influence you--is a critical step in life, I think. From experience.
I sure don't respect anyone that would say such things to their children.
Thank you for the compliment but no need to ennvy; you have a multifude of desirable attributes within your possession.
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