Last evening I did something really truly horrible. I told my best friend on earth (and former love interest) that maintaining our relationship was just too much work. He's always sad, he's always mad at the world, nothing makes him happy. He doesn't enjoy my company anymore and I don't enjoy his. He won't go out with me and my friends. He won't talk to me on the phone. He doesn't want to tell me what's wrong, even though I already know what it is. Whatever people tell you, being friends after a relationship just doesn't work. Both of us expect things that you should only get in an intimate relationship, both of us desire emotional support that is probably too burdensome for just a friend. It makes me sick to the stomach. I feel empty and a little lost. Although it hasn't been twenty-four hours I feel like I've got no one to turn to, no one to pretend to understand. Sometimes I think he is more important to me then my family.

When I think about anything that happened in the last five years, he has something to do with each recollection. He was the reason I did so many crazy things, he was the one I always tried to impress, he was the one that always acted too good for me. Now I'm the one telling him he isn't worthy of my friendship. There's just something missing, he's forever a part of me, no matter how hard I try to separate our lives.

We've had the good times, the hilarious times, and the horrible ones too. This just feels different. I can't even look at him without wanting to yell. And I'm not usually an angry person. This scares me. Maybe we've just grown apart. Maybe I'm looking for something else, something new. Either way I still feel cheap and dirty. I feel like I'm cheating him by pretending to be happy. I can't believe I laughed in his face, that I had no reaction when he told me he didn't want to see me again. I lied when he called and asked if I was happy and told him that I couldn't be better.

How can I put a part of my life that has been so important to who I am behind me without a second glance. How can I ignore that he was once my everything? How do I wake up tomorrow and pretend life is what it was. Who's going to make me laugh? Who's going to tell me that I am perfect and that they like my shoes? Who's going to pretend to approve of my silliness?