Truth.

Hi internet, long time no talk.

I'm in a weird place, very much in love but plagued by some serious life doubts. Well, not doubts but more so a feeling of listlissness, like a jellyfish rolling in and out with the tide. It's as if all of my past relationship problems, unresolved childhood traumas and general inability to deal with emotions are converging all at this point. This leads to moments of seemingly inexplicable emotional outbursts. It's hard to deal with what's happening because I'm never quite sure where any of it comes from and unfortunately, the majority of this gets projected on the boyfriend which leaves me feeling terrible and extremely apologetic while he's probably experiencing doubts of his own. I'm not sure if this is some twisted manifestation of self sabotage or what. It, along with this perpetual rain is draining. None of this is new. I can recall similar moments from much of my adult life.

In the past, I've fought so very hard to maintain of a perception of perfection, refusing to feel or address emotion. Maybe I'm paying for that now. Whatever the reason, I'm terrified that I'm screwing up something amazing. The boyfriend is so reassuring, he tells me I can be sad and that he's known I was crazy for years, which sounds terrible but he's really being honest. And I suppose, as time goes on I become more and more comfortable with trying to tell him what's wrong but I find myself falling back on old habits, pretending that everything is fine if only because it's that much easier.

Sometimes, I feel a bit like I'm watching myself from afar, letting little insecurities pile up and finding a way to somehow fault him. Even as I'm doing it, I'm realizing it's not fair. But, having spent so much time in my head, ruminating over little comments and moments, I find it all too easy to compile a case against him. Most of the time, I find a way to talk myself out of it, remembering back to days with the billionaire where I would wage a war based on nothing because I was feeling hurt or neglected but unable to communicate it in any other way. I feel the need to unravel the insides of my brain but I wouldn't even know where to begin.