The list below will confirm as to why I am still and will perpetually be single.
(1) Do not tell me what to do, ever, in regards to anything.
(2) Do not be too nice, for example, do not sneakily commandeer my car while I am vacationing and have it detailed. While the gesture is nice, the methodology is creepy.
(3) Do not demand more of my time than I have already allotted you. I have a very specific rule in regards to dating, especially in its early stages, which requires that I spend no more than three nights, preferably not consecutive, per week with you.
(4) I repeat, do not remark how tall I am every time you see me. I might develop a complex.
(5) You may not ever comment on my love handles nor tell me that my boobs could be bigger. I might hit you.
(6) If you are not sexually satisfied, popular scientific research has concluded that's your problem. I'm sorry that my employment interferes with your needs.
(7) Do not be romantic, it's a turn off.
(8) Please refrain from being overly emotional and also from whining and complaining. You're supposed to be a grown man and I'm not your mother.
(9) It would be awesome if we could talk about something besides how much you hate your brother.
(10) It would also be fantastic if you would stop telling me to use smaller words.
4 comments:
You sound like the ideal woman!
I agree with most of these, except usually people comment on how short I am, and how my boobs are disproportionately big.
Oh well.
I would love to be short with disproportionately big boobs. Kind of like how I would also love to be blonde and possibly Swedish, but that apparently isn't going to happen.
Friggin'. Awesome. List.
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