Hi there. My name is insecurity.

I think eHarmony has got me wrong. I keep being matched with people who are apparently obsessed with being physically fit which causes me a great deal of anxiety. I imagine sitting across from them at some dimly lit, supposedly romantic, impressively expensive sort of restaurant, attempting to enjoy the mashed potatoes and filet mignon that naturally, I would order, and there they would be, scrutinizing me, calculating calories and my body fat percentage and deciding whether or not I really needed to put both sour cream and butter on my starchy potato.

Would it be wrong to copy and paste a profile that does not belong to me as an example? I'm sure there was some fine print prohibiting that sort of thing. Oh well, I won't tell you his name but his passions, interests, things he was most thankful for, hobbies, etc. all somehow revolved around the gym. Ok, I get it you really like to work on your abs. He really could have saved the words since every profile photo involved him flexing. And really, he isn't the only one. I would imagine someone like that would be disappointed by anyone less than a Victoria's Secret Angel and I for one have much more inner thigh fat than a pre-airbrushed Adriana Lima plus twenty pounds. And just like men who own Corvettes, I wonder what a gym obsessed, ab flashing man is trying to compensate for? So while they are planning a work out for me in their head I am deciphering their inadequacies. Dating is cruel. Milwaukee is great.

I keep wondering when I might wake up and find all of the bad things people say about this city are true. The beer is cheap, the rent is cheap, the people are nice. When I take Fernando, who I kidnapped from the billionaire, on walks everyone says hello and they let their dog sniff my dogs butt. Sure, we have a serial killer on the loose but apparently he's mostly interested in prostitutes.