I have a puppy who is no longer a puppy. I speak to him in sentences and he lilts his head from side to side when he hears a word he might recognize. When he wants something he cries softly and if I happen to ignore him he will swat insistently at me with his little furry paw and then finally resort to barking at me. At least his need is much more tolerable than that of others.
The billionaire and I have resorted to communication by text message where my wit and sarcasm are sadly lost on the allotted 96 characters. He still insists on saying I love you and I miss you and pretending as if nothing has changed though everything has. He acts surprised, feigns hurt feelings, in response to my dismissive nature. Or maybe it’s real.
The other day when we were still communicating face-to-face I asked him if he was happier yet, because after all that is why we separated, because he was unhappy, not with me he claimed, but in general, which is somehow vaguely insulting.
He’s asked me to wait around while he resolves this undefined, unresolved feeling of happiness but what he doesn’t know is that with each passing day it becomes much easier for me to discard him because I slowly realize that I never needed him at all.
I feel like a stranger in his home, like a misplaced object that doesn’t belong. I sit amongst the things I bought, the floor coverings that I chose and on the furniture I carefully arranged. It all seems so unreal and rather lifeless, deflated maybe.
This is the part where I let go, I drift away and he begins to realize it. He feels defeated because I no longer need him and it shows. So he becomes angry and distant but won't admit why. And now he explains that he never wanted to break up anyway, that he never thought I'd agree to let him go, he didn't know how disposable I always wanted him to be.
I didn't know I was looking for an out until I was given one.
2 comments:
The billionaire and I have resorted to communication by text message where my wit and sarcasm are sadly lost on the allotted 96 characters.
See, that is my main problem with texting. My charm needs more room to work, you know?
i recently found your blog and was instantly pulled in by your beautiful writing style and personality. you seem to be quite the enchantress and an enchanting woman is almost always intriguing.
i have no idea how much of this is real, twisted, or flat out made up. this comment is a response to what has been written.
i don't know who hurt you before, but your relationship with the billionaire, and others, seem so incredibly hollow and sad.
i get the impression that you have this idea that people who fall in love are pitiable, but you are the one who seems to be stuck in an unfortunate and emotionally draining situation, and with someone you don't seem to even love.
you seem to be constantly asserting your ability to not need someone else, which, in my experience, is usually the result of insecurity, fear and loneliness.
you do seem like a strong person, but being strong is not a quality that stands alone.
my unsolicited advice for this possibly fake persona would be to use your strength to find real happiness in your romantic relationships (and not necessarily with the billionaire). everything we do in life has the potential to go wrong. wasting your time trying to constantly protect yourself from pain is a futile endeavor.
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