El Capitan.

The feeling of the emotion sliding off my face, the delivery of my
carefully formulated response, the see-through smile of fake
reassurance. It is always the same. No matter who says it, no matter
when it's said, no matter how the words are aired. The reaction is
purely robotic, like all defensive mechanisms must be.

I love you.
He said.
She said.
They all said.
Even him. He said it too.

"I thought I was different from the rest of them".

Calmly, coldly, because there wasn't any other way to say it, "There
are a lot of nice guys. I've known a lot of them". As I spoke those
words I knew how they sounded, I knew the kind of person words like
that made me out to be.

"Well then, what makes me different. What, exactly, makes you want to
be with me". I absorbed his words, I took them in and I considered
them. Many replies came to mind.

"I don't".

It took a moment, but something between terror and rage contorted his
face. Parts of me refused to understand, couldn't even comprehend,
what it was he was feeling.

I unwrapped a piece of chocolate and put it into my mouth, holding it
between my tongue and the roof of my mouth as it melted. He stared at
me. I was terrified of what he might say once he figured out which
words would leave the most damage.

And that was exactly it. The calculation of a response not generated
by feeling or even the absence of it, but instead by some deeply
twisted desire to maintain the upper hand, the control. I'm not sure
how he ever managed to become convinced that I would succumb to it.
Arrogance, ignorance, and a little wishful thinking.

"I've done a lot of nice things for you lately", he said.

"A lot of people do nice things for me".

"I've had a lot of patience with you. I've waited a long time".

I didn't want to hear anymore of it. I didn't want to know why it was
that I owed him. People shouldn't do nice things if they expect
something in return. At that point, it is is no longer just a nice
thing, it's doing something in anticipation of some sort of
reciprocation. And it's why I discourage others from going out of
their way on my behalf, because they might say the are more than
happy to to complete some selfless act, but they don't really mean it,
not in the end, not ever.

"They have all had a lot of patience. They have all waited a long
time. But no one has ever complained, not like you have. No one is
making you sit here and do this. I'm not asking you to do anything".