Gone.

I'm feeling off today. My thoughts are flighty, my head is cloudy, and
my hunger is seemingly insatiable. It all may have something to do
with the sleepover I had last night. A late night visitor walked in my
door around 10:30pm, nearly past my bedtime. I had a feeling he'd do
that, it's becoming a habit. It means mostly that our relationship is
truncating itself to the lowest common denominator. Returning to where
it began, mainly a persistent physical attraction.

Sometimes my sleep becomes more troubled knowing he is next to me
snoring softly, his arm on my back as I crush my face into the pillow,
hoping maybe to suffocate. Last night I committed his image to my
memory over and over and over so that if I might come across him on
the street of some little town in a far away place I'd remember. I
guess remembering is all I can do. I traced the mysterious symbol
tattooed to his shoulder with the tip of my finger, the one I asked
about the first time he slept over. He never told me what it meant and
I don't think I want to know.

I wondered if he saw through it all, if he knew all along how it was I
felt. If my efforts to push him far away looked more like desperate
attempts to shield my sanity. I guess it doesn't really matter
anymore.

It's a funny thing, the way I feel today. Some days end and I manage
to convince myself that he means nothing and that he is nothing and
that this is all nothing. But then he whispers in my ear or brushes
away strands of hair from my face and no matter how resolved I had
been to just let it all go, I find myself wondering what it will be
like when he's gone.

I don't think I've ever cried over a boy before, but you get what you
ask for and I asked for my heart to be ripped and torn apart by some
mystical savage beast. And here we are.

I don't regret it. I don't take it back because this is real.

And now I am floating in some place that is not here. I type these
words and am unsure of where they have come from, how they have gotten
on this screen and where they will go next. I feel like running away.