I am rapidly approaching insanity.

All I want to do right now is sit on some patio or a porch or on a
boat, somewhere outside really, and drink a very large margarita (or
five). I would settle on just the tequila actually. But the only two
people that I would actually be seen in public with are already out of
town for the long weekend. This leaves two equally unappetizing
options. Former male best friend whose phone calls I have not answered
in quite some time OR the ex-convict whose phone calls have also been
ignored for quite some time. Both will answer their phones, both will
pay for my twenty seven shots of tequila and both will try to remove
my pants at one point or another. What a dilemma. I suppose I could go
to a bar alone and sit in a corner and look mysterious, which also
means creepy. But that would invite a whole host of obnoxious attempts
at flirtation interrupting my quest to become quickly intoxicated.
Unless I wear sweatpants but those aren't allowed at the place I have
in mind.

I need a new man friend. I will even buy my own drinks, all you have
to do is sit there and talk about really interesting things you read
in Scientific America or Popular Mechanics and I will listen and then
maybe talk about books, Middle Eastern policy, and space exploration.
I might use big words, I might not. I will not be trying to impress
you or under impress you. If you are nice and smart and funny I might
make out with you.

I would even settle for a female friend. But I think my standards for
female friends are much higher than they are for male companions. You
would have to be interested in shopping, have fabulous shoes, enjoy
the Tyra Banks show, know how to read, like to be outside, be willing
to go downtown and dance at tacky clubs, want to go to the art museums
and point at the exposed private parts and giggle, listen to Britney
Spears, and like movies where things explode and people die.

I hate my friends for all moving back home after college. Major
lameness. You all suck.

This is the never ending day. Seriously. I might ask to leave early. I
went shopping over the lunch hour because I am sincerely interested in
acquiring short, black, kind of shiny, cuffed, pleated, dressy,
short-shorts. You think this would be easy to find, no? NO.
Impossible.

I am thinking about going to the bar alone for real now. How desperate
is that. So I am formulating this story in my head as to why I am at a
bar alone and why it really isn't creepy in case someone you know,
actually speaks to me which they probably won't because I am a normal
looking person sitting at a bar alone. This universally means I am
crazy. I am not. Maybe.

So who wants to come hang out with me? Anyone? Would it be so bad to
sneak my sixteen year old sister into a bar? Probably yes. But I am
thinking about it.