Let's Pretend It's Antarctica.

I feel like disappearing and vanishing into the dreams of all dreams and yes that's my fantasy.
This is not the place for me and you know it, I know it, I just don't believe it.
I live in a city where children brandish guns and kill salesmen from the suburbs.
Where everyone I know hates their life for no reason.
Where everyone has already given up.
And can't we keep it simple.
What about the trees, the air, the music?
Nobody cares.
This spring brings with it not renewal but regret.
Maybe it's too early to say.
But nothing feels right.
Frustration breeds frustration and then doubt and denial.

I look into your eyes and pretend.
Four months and I don't even know you.
Four months and I don't even want you to know me.
So maybe I'm reaching desperately towards the future.
Jumping to conclusions.
Realizing what I thought I had wanted all along was a grand delusion fueled by heartbreak, disappointment, and self-hatred.
And now I need to replace the emptiness with someone passing by.
convenient of course.
I don't have any idea how I am supposed to know when it is real.
When will this relationship stop replacing that relationship that replaced the other other other other one?
I want it to just be.

Maybe it will rain tomorrow and wash it all away.
Wash me away.

I don't know.
I can't write.
I won't think.