Guess what I am done writing your book

This is when where and why I should just say fuck it. I should tell you a lot of things RIGHTNOW not because you need to know but because I need to say it, write it, read it, and remember it for all of eternity. I've entangled my emotions in a conflicted situation, one that is driving me absolutely insane but also causes unexplained smiles to appear on my face at ridiculous moments.

There is a secret boy.
One that I don't find myself romantically involved with, but emotionally involved with.
And the push and pull between the two is overwhelming.
There is this realization that I do indeed have emotional vulnerabilities and this other boy, he is an expert at pointing them out and exploiting them.

I feel like crying right now.
I am crying right now.
He asks me hard questions about life and I find myself answering them honestly.
What is happening here?

Sometime last summer I wrote this about boy #2, "Have you ever met someone and have just known that they will become a part of your life? Is it appropriate to feel that way without ever having been on a date and never having any discussion beyond telephonic office fodder and a brief impromptu discussion of morals? Would it be appropriate to plan a fantasy date on ones commute homeward so enthralling that one barely realizes that the 45 minute trip was already done? Would it be terrible that one happens to tell others of her utter repulsion of this person when in fact she feels quite the opposite? Yes this would all be completely insane coming from the cold hearted biotch that once was that is apparently no longer. But this is why I am insane".

Nevermind that I am cheesy, please mind that I didn't see this happening any sooner.
This is hard.
Really hard.
I am going to have to make a choice sooner or later.
I have a feeling it would be easier to do now but honestly it isn't ever easy.

Last night as I climbed the hill the boy I am fcuking with, he asked me what I wanted to do with the remainder of the evening.
In typical style I said I don't know, because (a) I truly don't care, I am easily entertained and (b) Why do I always have to make decisions? I hate decisions. Then he asked why I couldn't conjure up a feeling about anything. When he said it I didn't think much about it, but now I have to wonder if he meant for that inquisition to apply to a broader set of circumstances, namely he and I. Later he told me about moving far far far away and now I wonder if he was kidding or not. And I guess I half-way hope he is making it all up and half-way wish he was serious only because it would simplify the whole current situation. Later that night we had really spectacular sex in case you were wondering.

I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

August 2005, "When I pick up the phone I know its him before he speaks, which is strange considering the nature of my job and the volume of incoming calls that could be coming from virtually anyone. But I just know. It start somewhere in the dark bottom of my stomach and climbs slowly but certainly through my throat, resulting in the tone and pitch of my voice changing ever so slightly. I think he notices.

I'm hesitant to even admit to liking him because I think those kinds of feelings reflect a vulnerability and a dependence I'd rather do without, besides the thought of admitting that and not knowing if he felt in anyway similar is just crushing. I'd do anything to avoid disappointment and the feeling that comes with being so wrong and still wishing I were so right."

Well now I know how he feels.
He tells me everytime we talk.
And it drives me insane because I don't know what to feel.
This is my life and I have no idea where it is going.