Okay, I overreacted.

Okay, so yes. Yesterday was a bit dramatic. I was in an "I hate the
world" mood for whatever hormonal reason. Not enough estrogen? Too
much progesterone? I don't even know.

Apparently contentment drives me insane. It makes me seriously
consider moving to Peru so I can take the train to Machu Picchu every
single day and be like, woah I totally feel a connection to the
ancient Inca people and their mastery of stonework. Thank you Travel
channel at 2am for fueling unrealistic life goals.

Costa Rica sounds nice too. Even Brazil. I watched a public television
show about the amazon and I think I'd really like it in the jungle.
Animals and I get along so very well and I'm sure a family of monkey's
would accept me in no time at all.

These are all wonderful ideas (in theory) so what is stopping me? My
eternal pessimism? My unrelenting penchant for realism? Yes and Yes.
There was a time not too long ago where I allowed myself to dream big
and a time when I actually tried to accomplish things. Now it seems I
have resigned myself to the mediocre and the things that require least
effort.

Whatever happened to my dreams of being a pediatrician and living in
Africa taking care of sick little babies.

Whatever happened to my dreams of being a big time corporate attorney
on Wall street?

Whatever happened to my dreams of moving to California, living in a
shack, and making jewelry in exchange for organic groceries?

All of those things take risk. All of those things involve a lot of uncertainty.

The boy, he said something the other night that really upset me. It
really made me step back and try to figure out why I have given up on
life already.

We were talking about what we wanted to do with our lives and I was
talking about taking the job offer with this company and working there
the rest of my life. I said it would be safe and easy and secure.

He said it seemed as if I were content with being content.

He said he wanted adventures, challenges, and new places.

And yes, those things would be nice. But what about student loans,
mortgages, mutual funds, insurance, and new siding for the house, new
shoes, and trips to the Home Depot?

We're so different.
I am so boring.
He is so not.

I mean there isn't anything wrong with being pragmatic but I think it
is interfering with my ability to have ambitious goals.

On my way to work today there was a giant billboard that said "Believe
in Yourself". And it meant a lot to me. Nobody has reminded me to do
that in a long time.

I think it would help if I had more ambitious peers and colleagues
because everyone around me seems to be mediocre which makes everything
and anything I do look spectacular. I am a type A personality, I need
someone to challenge me. I need some damned competition, some stress.

So, we're going to set some little goals to prove that yes,
accomplishments are possible. And maybe these will be the most
retarded goals you have ever read but you can just skip over them
because I need to document them so that I feel liable in my moments of
weakness.

(1) Run 5(k) in August, finish in top half.
(2) Don't skip class.
(3) Stop spending so much money on clothes and related accessories.
(4) Stop eating excessive amounts of chocolate.
(5) Go to the gym five days a week.
(6) Actually put forth effort in school.
(7) Go to Chicago for spring break.
(8) Go to Italy in the summer.
(9) Look at graduate programs in far away places.
(10) Start writing fiction again.
(11) Go to New York for a week.
(12) Volunteer at a school as a tutor.