Die Another Day

As I got dressed last night to go watch the episode of 24 that a
certain someone TIVO'd, for the first time ever I thought twice about
wearing my favorite necklace and my favorite earrings which were
incidentally gifts from a past lover. For whatever reason, it felt
weird to have that cold piece of metal wrapped around my neck while
sitting next to this other boy. Trust me, this is no small matter.
Over the years I have convinced myself that these material items
posses no emotional or sentimental value, that they are just things
which I ought to enjoy and use simply because they are mine.

I think my reaction means that I am becoming more emotionally
available, that the concrete walls and steel-enforced barriers are
beginning to crumble. Maybe I am starting to remember that I was once
human too and that long long ago someone broke my heart and then I
broke theirs in return. I sometimes have to wonder if I did actually
stay in that relationship for another year just to get revenge. And I
probably did and that probably makes me a sad and bitter person, but
so long as we are being honest here I don't mind that you know.

I made a secret resolution for the new year, secret because if I screw
up I can't hold myself accountable. It is to be a better friend and a
better person and a part of that deal is coming to terms with all the
things in my life that I would rather forget about, but they are parts
of me and to push them away is to deny who I am. It is funny to think
that at twenty-one I can be bitter about some of the people and some
of things that have happened. To harbor so much hatred and
disappointment so soon is slightly frightening but I realize the only
way to move on is to accept those things and learn from them.

Last night I exchanged my former favorite necklace for my great
grandmothers locket and I walked out the door and I convinced myself
that it was okay to like this boy and so what if he breaks my heart
into one million pieces. It might be worth it.