That was a long one.

I am fighting the double dose of sleeping medicine that I am now dependent upon for even stolen fragmented moments of sleep. Sometimes I fall asleep only to systematically awake every 1.5 hours other times I don't fall asleep at all and all of the sudden look at the clock and it is ohmygod 6:30am and time for the corporate world where everyone else walks in with combed hair, made-up faces, and ironed pants. They must think I have serious life issues and I do, I can't sleep and have no idea why. It used to be when it was winter and I was all depressed just like everyone else in this forsaken and forgotten Midwestern fly-over (stop-over if you fly Northwest) city of mine that I would sleep all the time. You know, to escape from biting wind, the leftover foliage that keeps freezing-melting-freezing-melting, and the puddles of slush that seem to attack the hem of my pants no matter how hard I try not to splish-splash in the watery graves of ticket stubs, nickels, and cigarette butts.

It is too much and it is not enough.

I feel trapped and hopeless sometimes. Wanting more but without the security to seek it out. I'm not sure what that means because it probably means nothing. So I settle and that is okay sometimes, but the phases of contentment...they do not last long.

This boy, I do not know what he wants and I am sure that he doesn't know what I want. But sometimes he looks into my eyes like that moment should mean something and I am certain my face goes blank because I haven't the slightest idea of what kind of importance should be assigned to any interpersonal communication because I do not have feelings like that.

Usually, relationships like these develop because the outside makes our insides feel empty, so we grab hold of other people trying to shove them into an incomplete puzzle whose pieces will never quite fit. Oh I can try and I will for a lifetime.

The truth is, I can never really be sure about someone I have met in a time like this. Are they wandering through my life because they provide a temporary solution to a permanent problem or because they might actually mean something or anything to me. I usually don't find that out until they have served their purpose and have been properly sent on their way and I realize I can find no emotional common ground between us.

I broke your heart? Isn't that sweet? I need to go fold some laundry.

You loved me? I just said it back to be polite. Sorry.

You took advantage of me? Well that isn't so nice but I used you too. For the sex of course. And your friends too.

Maybe this is why I am afraid to let some feeling slip from the tarred over cracks because I know how cruel people can be. I am people and I know so well how the words of another can tear you down. Because I have done it. And so when we catch eachothers eyes from across the room and when you shake your head and laugh at my absurdity and I think lovelovelovelovelovelove, little pangs of fear emerge from somewhere deep inside and I think they flash like neon banners across my face because you say things like "you are being standoffish". You must know. You have to know. And that scares me.