Like Dorian Gray

Am I ruining this?
Because I am socially advanced (awkward)?
And distant.
Ridiculous too.
Nonsensical mostly.

Without any regard or understanding for emotion, mine or others.
The answer is maybe.
The answer is yes.

The answer is I like him.
That scares me.
You know my secret now.
I could never tell him that you know.
Unless I knew for certain how he felt.
And I don't.

I won't allow for the possibility of my soul being ripped out and
exposed, unless I know I can do the same thing in return.

Actually I think I told him I liked him once.
I was drunk.
Go figure.
I think he just looked at me funny.
Or that could have been my imagination.

I don't know even.
I can never tell if I like someone because I like them or because I am
bored and lonely.
Though, I am pretty certain I could convince myself to like just about anyone.
It is easier for me to think I like someone than it is to think that
someone actually likes me.

How sad?
Not really.