Mail order date?

I have quite the problem you see. I have a corporate event to attend this holiday season and I am without the proper accessory. I have the dress, black Calvin Klein, and I have the shoes, satin Gucci pumps and I have the borrowed blingage, diamonds, but I haven't the matching date. The options are either incompatible with corporate culture, unemployed, morally opposed to the wearing of a suit, or entirely inappropriate for the nature of this event. I even asked my dad if he knew anyone from his place of employment. This IS desperation. I know, I know...I could just not attend but such a refusal of an invitation might mark professional doom and a lost opportunity to network. Every future supreme world leader is aware that who you know is who you are. Perhaps the use of a discreet dating service is of necessity. Yes, it is that important.

After paging through mental lists of my male acquaintances I have realized that the people I know are all entirely obscure. I love my friends but they are useless in this conquest. Even my top three choices have the potential to ruin the evening. The first is a communist ideologue, the second is a raging alcoholic artist, and the third possesses a profound and insurmountable disapproval of dresswear. I fear I would have to babysit the entire evening, invoking damage control when something entirely wrong was said or done. That is just not ideal. Why haven't I made it a point to befriend any young professionals? I certainly do not know, but this will be my next and most immediate social conquest. Perhaps I should begin frequenting liquor establishments that exclusively serve $20 martinis or maybe I should do brunch with my parents at the country club more often.