Amnesiac

Sometimes guiding a tour of ones psychotic disassociation over the
medium of instant message is not wise but is counterproductive to the
point you might be making. When people ask me to be honest the result
surprises them. They are used to beautiful lies and incantations so
perfect they couldn't be true. In fact, they are most likely the
furthest words from any sort of truth.

So when I bluntly confess that the emotions of others require of me no
empathy and that is hard for me to feel anything beyond indifference I
can understand where people might be alarmed, especially people that
knew me long ago. They accuse me of changing, I claim that I've only
recently been able to verbalize how it is that my brain and my heart
seem to be severed. It is not a change, but a recognition. I fear it
may be one that few people are able and willing to comprehend.

I think I lack a basic understanding of human emotion, one that should
have been cultivated during my formative youth but was not. As a child
who moved often I learned to avoid forming emotional attachments to
people because it made it that much easier when my parents announced
the next inevitable move to some far off land. It was easier to put
effort towards not become attached then it was to sever any sort of
bond. I developed the attitude that people are replaceable, that there
will also be more somewhere.

I am now left with some latent remnants of this. I am not afraid of
the future because I believe my life to replicable just about
anywhere. I know what I require to survive and until people question
it, I have little motivation to reconnect the heart with the brain.

I should caution that it isn't that I am incapable of feeling and
recognizing emotion, it is just that my brain more often than not
makes the ruling that such feeling is potentially compromising and
should be subdued and stripped of any relevance.

I can love, I have loved it, I can feel but there is a point where my
brain attempts to rationalize with my heart and then it cuts it off.
It will take someone who has earned my trust and respect to
re-establish a working relationship between my heart and my mind. This
is why I am not worried. There is no real threat of mistaking love for
something it isn't, because only the truest representation of that
deepest feeling will be able to do that.

So when you say you're glad you found this out, that you didn't invest
anything more in pursuing my captivation, I am relieved. No actions,
no other explanations could rightfully make you understand. Your only
mistake is finding anger in my bluntness. Anger is another one of
those risky emotions that I find no reason to engage with, it is
superfluous to the ends I am attempting to achieve. I am indifferent,
that is all and for some reason I think that is worse than anything
and if I could be sorry, I would. My compassion is limited and my
ability to feel for you what you feel for me is not existent. I guess
we both must reckon with that notion.