A friend, an acquaintance really, sent me a message telling me that he missed who I was last fall. A statement like that, from anyone really, tends to put things in perspective. Most of what I remember from last fall are things that I'd rather not, but I was so much more alive then than I am now. Despite the heinous turn my life took last September I managed to at least feel things and live my life with little regret.
Lately, it seems that much of what I do on a day to day basis is to avoid feeling anything at all. I've never been an overly-emotional person but my zombie like, soul-less, heart-less self leaves me feeling rather lonely.
I often say that if I could find people that understood and respected my ambitions and ideals, I'd be more apt to open myself up again. Maybe I've got the order of that wrong, maybe I need to first open up and then hope that once they find what I try so hard to hide, they will understand.
Realizing that is hard enough, actually doing something to change how I interact with those around me will be the biggest challenge I've met in a long time.
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