When I pick up the phone I know its him before he speaks, which is strange considering the nature of my job and the volume of incoming calls that could be coming from virtually anyone. But I just know. It start somewhere in the dark bottom of my stomach and climbs slowly but certainly through my throat, resulting in the tone and pitch of my voice changing ever so slightly. I think he notices.
I'm hesitant to even admit to liking him because I think those kinds of feelings reflect a vulnerability and a dependence I'd rather do without, besides the thought of admitting that and not knowing if he felt in anyway similar is just crushing. I'd do anything to avoid disappointment and the feeling that comes with being so wrong and still wishing I were so right.
I remember a time period when I was convinced that I was in love and that I knew for certain that I was loved but this is ultimately more exciting, the feeling that is. He's the kind of man I'd like to love. That if given the chance I think I'd manage to shed a few degrees of selfishness and ego if that meant his unconditional admiration.
He's honest, hard working, and motivated. Three traits which the last 100 men I've met, dated, made out with, all have been lacking. Plus he has a strange way of amusing me even when things being discussed are as mundane as grammatical errors in press releases (not mine of course).
I was positive he was about to ask me out on the phone today, though I would have preferred a singing telegram and tulips (just kidding), but the not so much awkward silences and pauses merely gave way to a discussion of childhood ambitions and past weekend activities and his conclusion that "though we've only met once, I'm getting to know you quite well". Is it weird that his politeness and proper use of the comma drive me insane in a good way?
I'm finding it hard to read him. I'm not sure if his conversation is just because or if there is some other motivation or if I'm helplessly blowing things out of proportion in an effort to maintain some sort of sick fantasy I have. I'll will do some reflection on my way home from work.
Otherwise I am in love with etienne, that I know for sure. Finally, someone who shares my infatuation with Salinger's Zooey.
3 comments:
"I'm hesitant to even admit to liking him because I think those kinds of feelings reflect a vulnerability and a dependence..."
Alrighty, let's workshop this! How does liking someone necessarily reflect vulnerability and dependence? (For example - I haven't asked this first, but plainly the answer is "no": if a presentable stranger appears to like you, do you immediately say to yourself that that person is surely vulnerable and dependent? The fellow who talks to you on the phone: do you accuse him of vulnerability and dependency?)
Yes, I would imagine the presentable stranger feels vulnerable but imagining that the man on the phone feels that way would make me feel even more vulnerable. I have a hard time accepting the fact that other human beings are attracted to me. I think my self-inflated ego is just a cover for my lack of self-esteem, for which exists various reasons.
Besides, assuming that a man of his status, upbringing, and family finds me remotely suitable is a thought that I find hard to even consider which is why my infatuation is destined to remain secret and will eventually fade like the rest.
"Besides, assuming that a man of his status, upbringing, and family finds me remotely suitable"
Well. Within our thoughts, we do routinely try to filter out _assumptions_ that might lead us embarrassingly astray. But leaving open, in one's mind, the _possibility_ that something might be so is not the same as assuming that it is so. It merely paves the way for genuine investigation, without committing one yet to an evaluation.
Consider the following continuum:
(A) "I assume that a man of his status, upbringing, and family finds me suitable"
(B) "I assume neither (A) nor (C), but I will investigate the possibilities - because I am attracted to him."
(C) "I assume that a man of his status, upbringing, and family could not find me suitable"
In what you have written (quoted above) instead of going from (A) to (B), you go from (A) to (C). (C) is just as much an assumption as (A).
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