Ghostly Apparitions and Being Selfish

In recent weeks I have been haunted by ghosts from relationships past. I am ever the hot topic of the still revolving high school gossip mill and yes that was three or more years ago. Some people don't take a hint, even when it is as blatant as "fuck off and worry about your own life". Some people are convinced, despite all trespasses formerly committed, that they are deserving of my unconditional forgiveness. Some people find the words "you treated me like crap and I never wish to speak with you again" as a corollary for "I love you and please marry me". Need I provide you with a dictionary? And this is why I feel compelled to leave my cellular telephone is a perpetual state of off. Maybe I should change my number, I just don't know. There are reasons why 75% of incoming calls receive the "ignore call" option and there are reasons why I avoid your glance when out of all 500 billion people at the mall, you appear in my path.

At some point everyone must realize that in order to come as close to happiness as we can comprehend it, one finds it necessary to stop caring about how others perceive you and your actions. You just have to live. In a most basic self evaluation I find myself with the necessary tools to get on in life just fine without advice from people who hardly know me. I no longer feel like I need to impress everyone else or live up to their standards. I'm staying another year at college despite the fact that it will be to the utter (financial) disappointment to my parents. My life will not be a competition to earn anyone's respect or admiration, not even my parents because when it's all over, I'm the only one who should really care. And sure making declarations like these, however trite, is soley an act of self affirmation and the exercise of my "I'll show you attitude". But I am okay with that.

This is all mildly amusing because my parents, my father in particular, always accused me of being so selfish while all the while I was trying to do what I thought would please him. And as my last college year was about to leap out of my grasp I wondered what I would be leaving with. Upon reflection, I realized that what I would be leaving with was very unsatisfying and that unless a fantastically rich and perfect husband appeared before me, that my financial future would be too unsecured for my liking. A career in law, while easily obtainable in my opinion, would leave my left brain unsatisfied and creatively atrophied. It was only a matter of time before I allowed myself to accept the option that was always there, the one that I hated to love. In one years time I will have earned degrees in Strategic Communications (PR and Advertising), Political Science, and English. Perhaps one day I will get to write the President's speeches and hopefully he/she won't screw them up with made up words.