One word can describe the state of my life in the last month or so. Suck. Yep that's it. As evidence I'm providing excerpts from journal enteries I never bothered to finish.
SEPTEMBER 29TH
"When you are forced to stare death in the face with your eyes super glued open and without the ability to utter a single desperate whisper for help, you learn a little about independence. When you are hand cuffed to the sidelines hopelessley watching your life fall to pieces, you learn a little bit about what it means to dream, to live, and to have faith. When you're standing in a sea of people who can't see you, asking for someone to understand, you finally realize what it is to be alone. I learned each of these things in the past weeks. I was more lonely, scared, and helpless than I ever want to be again. As I look on in a state of pure disbelief I couldn't really tell you how it is I am still standing here.
I haven't even begun to process all that has happened and I don't know when I'll even have enough energy or courage to do so. I can say one thing for certain, these past weeks have really made me question my goals, ambitions, and future. They have made me realize the value of living life as opposed to rushing through it blindly."
OCTOBER 5TH
"I'm on the very edge of admitting my own greatest character flaw. And
this is difficult. But as time goes on the frustration only builds and
the problems do nothing but multiply. I am incapable of maintaining
conventional relationships of any sort. Between my frequent
disappearances, my most recent moodiness, and my compelling tendency
to put on the happy mask and flutter my eyelashes I manage to push
away anyone that ever half cared. There are certainly points when I
ask myself why and there are times that I come very close to admitting
the truth to my own self. I feel though, that my life is a
complicated web of half-truths, exaggerations, and chasing failures.
My discontent is a relentless entity, following me from one avenue of
life to the next.
One would think that in a life without a moment of spare time, without
a minute to think I'd be able to escape my own conscious. Funny thing
is, my brain has this tendency to multi-tasking at an awe-inspiring
frequency. I sometimes wish I could harness it for useful purposes
like schoolwork but that would simply be a logical application of one
skill I do have and by natures suggestion alone I am forced to seek
chaos. This though is not really my most major issue. As I sit back
most literally watching parts of my life being hauled away to
never-never land it takes tremendous amounts of energy to even care.
These words upon this screen are more than I feel my life deserves.
I'm a few steps past the breaking point without any idea of how to get
back."
OCTOBER 8TH
"With the rain came clarity and the virtue of acceptance for there are
many things in my worldly life that are far beyond my meager grasp of
them. There remain great mysteries and tremendous questions that I can
only wish will be answered on my journey. I'm learning of life in the
shadow of a city that is only painted upon the sky it pricks. The airy
blue white swirls give way to coldhardsteel towers lit afire by some
semblance of life. But that vision seems perpetually out of my reach.
Each day I progress towards it and I come to understand a little bit
more about myself and this beautiful world others name cruel. As near
tragedy keeps arriving on my door I have come accustomed to laughing,
mostly in a humbling attempt to somehow make sense of it all. If there
is a grand plan and if things are meant to be this particular way or
even if my own sub conscious is subvertly evaluating my mental
capacity I think I will be prepared for whatever may come.
I expect great things of life and I will see nothing of them unless I
fight the battle and earn it all. I guess I've always been okay with
that, I just never imagined that the battle would be so internal and
without an obvious end. But so long as leaves keep crunching beneath
my feet in some sort of lighthearted reminder of my own frailty I
think I will be okay. So long as the rain keeps falling and my soul
keeps searching I know that deep down somewhere I will be happy."
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