Dear Self,

I have realized that I have a very strange way of dealing with conflict. There's much more to it than the fact that I simply avoid it. Instead of taking the initiative to solve a problem I let whatever it is that is bothering me manifest into an ugly, life controlling, obsession. But instead of recognizing it as such, I nonchalantly dismiss it whilst pretending that it really doesn't bother me THAT much. Even worse I convince myself that the problem could never be mine, but always someone else's. I suppose this means I have issues with accountability as well, just great I say. I think this has some connection to the way I handle relationships. I'd rather lose a friend than try to make things work. Why? Well I think it has something to do with my willingness to embrace change and recognition that there are few people worthy of actually being called friends. So this means I am contented to forgo a five year old relationship merely because I know it is replaceable. I'm not so sure if that makes me a horrible person or if it proves that the world in general kind of sucks.

Whatever the case it doesn't change the fact that I am peculiar, demanding, and slightly selfish. Maybe I'll mature with time or maybe I'll remain the same because I feel as if I've been jaded in so many ways. Either way, it won't change the fact that I am probably the most difficult person EVER to satisfy and keep entertained. I think I have the ability to fall in and out of love in a matter of moments. And by love I don't necessarily mean the romantic kind. I am able to let one misguided comment ruin an entire friendship. But whatever, the world keeps on turning...or so I have experienced so far. All things considered I could probably fairly blame the fact that as a child I moved from state to state numerous times. But I think that's the easy way out and I would much prefer to pretend that I am a tortured and misunderstood soul, mostly because that's far more interesting.

For reasons beyond my immediate understanding I feel much more comfortable by my lonesome self. Sure people are good in moderation and I've never been known to turn down a good party, but there are times and places for such things. I'm much more at peace with my own mind and knowing that I don't have to be responsible for another individual. It's also sort of nice to let my guard down and relax, something I have yet to achieve in the company of people. I think I feel like I always need to impress and satisfy the expectations of others. But when I'm alone, I find it so much easier to determine what it is that makes me happy. These are good realizations and at least comfort my restless mind if not solve some minor issues.